He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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