Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
