The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
