If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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