My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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