Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
