Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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