God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
