I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
