I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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