based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
