when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
