Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
being pregnant is like rehab
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
