what day is it and did you see me today?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Randomize
