I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
false alarm, still single
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