i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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