I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
