We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I could fuck to npr.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
