Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
