She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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