even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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