Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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