I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
