Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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