I think i peed on brittanys purse
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
