she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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