Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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