Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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