He disabled his match.com account in front of me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
