my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
