found the other keg... it's in the tree
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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