i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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