just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
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Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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