someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
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Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
How does one acquire holy water?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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