i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
