well I can't set my house on fire every night
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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