I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
