What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
