She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
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Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
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They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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