you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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