I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
