BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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