i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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