I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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