you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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