So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
