apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
