I cockslap morals
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
