when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
