Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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