I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
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