I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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