im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
