Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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