if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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